Did you know that, in addition to “traditional” sexually transmitted diseases, unprotected sex can also lead to the transmission of influenza, gastroenteritis, conjunctivitis (pinkeye), acute colds, and other diseases? This important scientific discovery is the result of a long-term study, expected to eventually cost millions of dollars, conducted by me. In this study, I had unprotected sex with my wife, which rapidly led to extreme swelling in my wife’s abdominal area, which I characterized as “beautiful” and “glowing,” and which my wife characterized as “FAT AND HORRIBLE AND YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!!!!!!!”
After nine months, my wife produced a disease vector we named “Joe.”
Disease is what Joe brings home from daycare, other than forcibly created craft projects. Frequently, the only involvement Joe has apparently had in these craft projects is having his foot dipped in paint and imprinted on construction paper, or, on a special day, the side of toilet paper tubes.
Wait, I apologize. Joe does not go to daycare. He "attends school.” And, this is the actual truth: We get billed for “tuition” each month.
So, why, you may ask, are babies such excellent vectors for disease? Actually, you would only ask this if you are childless. Because every parent knows that other than licking toys and other objects, a baby has only two recreational habits: (1) rubbing his or her own eyes, and (2) trying to grab your eyeballs.
As a baby, our son Joe was remarkably good at sneaking a finger onto the surface of your eyeball. The blink reflex can't beat a baby's shear determination and penchant for quick unexpected movements. The thing about babies is, they look harmless enough that you will let them get pretty close to your eyeball. Then, POW! they've laid a fingertip right on your cornea. This is one important reason to keep your baby's fingernails trimmed. (Tragically, I speak from personal knowledge on this front.)
If I ever need to wear contacts, my fear of touching my own eyeball won't stop me. I'll just give them to a nearby infant, and the lenses will end up in my eyes within seconds.
Now, you might expect that health authorities would list “finger-to-eyeball” contact between persons as a primary means by which contagions are spread. Oddly, they tend not to mention this. I supposed public health authorities figure they had this covered when they already warned you about having unprotected sex, which is still America’s leading cause of eyeball-poking infants.
The best thing about getting sick as a parent, is that if you time it just right, you can create a span of approximately 15 months during which either you, your spouse, or your child is spectacularly ill. That way, even as each of your individual bodies goes through a cycle of sickness and wellness, you family unit can constantly be dealing with one affliction or another. Thus, you can make sure you take the most days off of work possible without getting even the slightest bit of enjoyment out of it. After wearing the same pair of threadbare sweatpants every day for three weeks, you will find yourself taking a bizarre kind of pride in exactly how sick you and your kids get.
One time, when Joe was really good and sick, he managed to vomit in such a way that he looked precisely like a can of white Silly String going off. It was dazzling. He was able to spew out the contents of his stomach with such force, and in such a narrow, focused stream, that I could have held him up to a car window and written “Go Team, Beat State!” if I’d had the presence of mind.
But, of course, I did not. Instead, like any good parent, I took as much of it as I could on my face. And not only because I was, at the moment he went off, holding him close to try to comfort him. It was also because, if I am going to be sick, I might as well get as much of the virus as I possibly can. All the better to try to pass something off to the non-parent population.
“Paul, how are you doing? Let me shake your hand to congratulate you about that wonderful four-week vacation you took to Peru.”
People in the office next to me must think I'm crazy because I just read this and was laughing so hard I snorted. So, so true! And I hear it gets even worse with baby #2 -- so watch out!
Posted by: Angela | March 13, 2008 at 05:02 PM